in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
