Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
