i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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