you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
