gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
