he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
