You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
