my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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