I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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