We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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