I don't usually arrange sex via text message
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
its not stalking. its research.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
