i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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