when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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