Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
