I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
