Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
