So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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