Don't you send me to vm
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
