Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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