What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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