Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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