I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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