You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
