I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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