I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
