So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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