dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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