Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
