remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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