Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
