I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
