So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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