ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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