Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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