it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
