fuck your aforementioned shoe
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Watching her eat just hurts me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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