i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
