I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
