I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
