New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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