Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
