yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
