im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
