Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
