haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
