Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
