how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
