I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
