You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
