ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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