We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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