I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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