Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
