Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
