I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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