Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
