and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
