In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
