nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
