I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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