i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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