Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
